Feeling so terribly ALONE...

     Today was a long day emotionally, I didn't have a lot to do physically but my emotions have been all over the place... I woke up this morning/afternoon and got on Facebook only to shut if off for the day because  I could not handle it emotionally... I got on today to see 2 very exciting and huge posts for friends of mine... They were both announcing they are pregnant with another rainbow baby. Yes I am happy for them, extremely over joyed to see their news.... But I would be lying if I said it didn't suck for me... If I said that it didn't stab a little in the heart, or if I said I wasn't the least bit jealous... Here are 2 wonderful people who haven't had to TTC and it just happened for them... Where as I may be TTCing for the next few years before it "happens for me"... Like I said I am happy for them, and wish them the best but I wish it was me.... I feel bad that I am having these feelings but that is usually how it goes for me, the minute we talk about having a baby, or in this case another baby, or when I get pregnant everyone around me seems to get pregnant... only more often than not I am the one who ends up with nothing but tears.... I feel like life falls into place for everyone around me before it does for me... I feel like actually deciding that we are going to try to have another baby is going to make life so horrible and miserable for me... Reality hit me today that this may be what we want but who knows how long it will take or if it will ever even happen.... I could be hoping praying and waiting for another few years before I get the joy of holding MY second rainbow in my arms.... I know miracles can happen, hell my son is living proof that miracles are possible... But right now I am really doubtful... I do not want to hear the "give it time and it will happen" or "don't stress about it" or any other potentially inspirational bullshit... My reality is it took 5 YEARS of heart ache, fertility treatments, pregnancy losses, "giving it time", and negative pregnancy tests before my son was born... 5 fucking years while I sat back and watched what seemed like everyone around me get pregnant and have healthy uncomplicated pregnancies and "perfect" little babies to bring home... One after another and another... I used to ask what the hell I did to deserve this for my life... but I am done asking that question... I am done trying to figure out why I struggle so much to do the one thing I as a woman was put on this earth to do... I look at my son and wonder if I will ever be able to give him a living sibling, or if that is only a hope and dream... If this doesn't happen for us what am I supposed to tell my son when he asks why he is an only child? How would I tell him that Mommy's body is a piece of shit and he was the only child my body let us have?
     Tonight at school me and some of the women were talking and they were talking about how the do not think they could ever handle working in an OBs office or on a L&D floor because they couldn't handle seeing a patient go through a still birth or miscarriage or any kind of loss... They were shocked to hear my story, they pitied me... They were even in more shock to know that it happens to 1 in 4 pregnancies... And then proceeded to talk about how glad they were nothing happened to them... and how surprised they were that I was even considering trying again.... I ENVY people like that... who walk around with the blissful thinking that it will never be them, or could never be them because it hasn't been them... Reality sunk in, Tonight was one of those nights that I truly felt alone. In a group of women, mothers, students... I felt absolutely ALONE... and then I thought back to a conversation I had with the woman who runs the Surgical Tech program at my school about how she is also that 1 in 4... We connected on a level that I never knew could exist in person... Most of my BLM friends are online, I have no one to talk to in real life and there she was. A normal person, with so much in common with me, only to find out she knows this life... She too has struggled with pregnancy and loss. She too has lost a baby half way through due to an unexplained clot in the cord... She too knows how priceless it is to hold your rainbow for the first time... And she too knows the fertility struggle that I have gone through... If people really knew how many people around them have experienced these things they would be baffled.  Talk about a reality check...
     Truth is I will never connect with "normal" mothers on the subject of pregnancy, nor when talking about our children... I will never have all of my children running around the house needing me, driving me crazy, loving me, snuggling with me, or just being with me... Truth is, I will always be missing a part of my life, I will always struggle with this, I will ALWAYS know what this feels like... And I will ALWAYS be 1 in 4.....