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     Today, I was talking with my husband about our choice to TTC right now. When we were shopping today I decided to pick up a couple pregnancy tests, nothing special or fancy, just the simple $0.88 ones from Walmart while we were there... I found myself being severely selective on which cashier checked us out, with me working there I really do not want people asking questions that I do not feel like answering. Not to mention I do not want people in my business... But me and my husband started talking about "people knowing" and he surprised me when he said he didn't care who knew we were TTCing... Where as I am trying to be "quiet" about it because I do not want people to know or constantly ask if /when I am pregnant... I do not want to have people asking me every month if I tested or if it was positive... And frankly it is nobody's damn business... Staying with my dad right now makes the "secrecy" bring up a little tension, I do not like hiding things from my dad, but at the same time  I do not want anyone's opinions... I do not want to feel like I am letting anyone else down anymore than I already do when I take a test and it comes back negative and I have to tell my husband that this month is not the month...
     On a completely different note, I wish my damn period would end already... Like seriously, it has been 19 damn days... It is really hard to convince my husband that we should have sex when I have to remove a tampon if he agrees to it... There are so many aspects that I hate about this TTC journey... My wacky cycles make it hard to determine when my "fertile days" are... They make it hard to "plan" sex... Or know when to test... From what the ovulation calendar that I used when we conceived our son says we missed all but one my "fertile days" this month... That is if I even ovulated yet, or will even ovulate with this bullshit 3 week period... which means any hope for a BFP next month is probably riding on One single fucking day, one opportunity that we had for sex... So, seeing that, here I am, almost 100% positive that this month will not be the month for us.... So now, on to next month... I really really hate this shit.... The hoping, praying, and then knowing that it just isn't going to happen, or the possibility is extremely low that it will happen... I wish I could be one of those moms who was on the "I didn't eve know I was pregnant" show... And be able to get pregnant and go through an entire pregnancy and not worry about any of it and bam, next thing I know here is a happy healthy baby for me to TAKE HOME! As much as I know it wouldn't happen to me, it would be pretty blissful though...
     On that note, I am going to curl up with my son and count my blessings that I even have him...