We are fastly approaching our first rainbow's second birthday.... I watch him grow each and every day and I can not believe that it has been 2 years... Just the thought of it having been so long since he was born and how long it took us to get him here has me terrified... I look at him and wonder if I will ever get the chance to do this again or if this is it, my one and only... That terrifies me, especially with me in school and working right now I have been missing out on a lot of things... What if I miss out on all of these things now and never get the opportunity to experience them again? what if my days get consumed with work and school and I miss some of the most important things that happen at this stage? I whole heartedly feel so terrible for the position we are in right now... If we didn't have complications getting or staying pregnant because of me and my body there would be no stress, there would be no "rush", there would be no worries... If only I knew it was even possible for us to expand our family as large as we want with no issues life would be more simple... I look at people like my cousin's wife, and I envy her so much.... 12 beautiful, healthy, LIVING children, with only slight complications... 12 fucking kids and I will be lucky to ever have 2 living here with me.... I really really hope that things are not going to be as complicated as they could potentially be. I really really hope that some time in the next couple of months I can proudly announce the start of my next successful pregnancy... I really really hope that Kahlil will get the opportunity to be a big brother and have a living sibling to play, grow, learn, and experience life with... I pray that one da there will be another beautiful baby that I can call my own in my arms, crying, breathing, and opening its eyes for the first time... I pray that I will one day know the challenges of having 2 children to look after... I pray that my body will cooperate with my dreams....