one of those things we hope for, and pray for, but can't wait until it is over...

Having been through so much TTC my first rainbow, and a living child for that matter I can't help but to be faced with a shit load of anxiety where TTCing again is concerned... I try not to think about everything we have been through, or the fact that it took us 5 years to have a living child or that it could possibly take that long again or longer... I try not to wonder if or when I will see another positive pregnancy test and nothing go wrong right away. I can't help but wonder why I have gone through all of this to be able to have my handsome son in the first place. I can't wrap my mind around the fertility issues and my battle with PCOS even though I found out I had PCOS 8 years ago and have actually been battling its affects for the last 10 years... I can't wrap my mind around the fact that I am 24 and I have already lost so many chances at being a mother and raising living children. I used to fear that my inability to carry a pregnancy would destroy my marriage because my husband wanted children. I used to fear that he would find someone who could get pregnant no problem and carry a full term healthy baby with ease, we have made it past that... Or so I thought, I now fear that my husband's yearning to have a living daughter will drive him into someone else's arms if "this doesn't come easy" for us... *no pun intended*...  I still remember the look on my husband's face when the reproductive endocrinologist (RE) told us that our fertility issues were caused by me, my body, and very possibly something I inherited... Yes, PCOS can be inherited... Which gives me fear of having a living daughter, I do not know what I would do if this is something I pass on and have to watch my daughter go through because of me!  The gut wrenching feeling when the RE told us that my PCOS was causing issues with us holding on to a pregnancy, that it was all MY BODY's fault. I will never forget how I felt when the RE told us that our chance to carry a full term healthy pregnancy was only about 30% of what a "normal" woman's was because of the severity of my PCOS. Or that natural unassisted conception may only be something we could dream about. I will always hold on to the fact that I possibly wouldn't be having all of these problems now if my mother would have listened to the doctors so long ago that told her the simple task of putting me on birth control could make or break my possible future of having children. I do not think that I will ever totally let go that this could have been totally different if it wasn't for her needing to be in control of everything. I hold a lot of resentment, and with each loss I have it weighs heavier on my heart... All of this could have been prevented or even lessened if she would have listened.................. I will also never forget the look on my husband's face when he saw me for the first time after his last deployment, almost 70lbs lighter than the last time he saw me. Nor will I forget the disbelief on my husband's face when we had that positive pregnancy test the night of February 5th 2011. The fact that something told me to take the test before we went out to his friend's house to watch the UFC fight. Or the fact that he made me go to Walmart on our way home and buy digital pregnancy tests because he just couldn't believe it and needed to see it for himself... That night was one of the happiest nights ever because, WE MADE THE ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE POSSIBLE.

Thinking back to all that it took to get our son here I am absolutely terrified at what it is going to take this time... I ENVY those who can get pregnant at the drop of a dime, I ENVY those who have perfect pregnancies with no complications... And I DESPISE those who think that "It can't happen to them"... I know too many women who have been through the heart ache, and I do not wish it on my worst enemy... I hate to see women with none of the above listed take their children for granted... I suffer on a daily basis, I have so many "what if's" in my mind I feel like sometimes it is going to explode. I really really hate to hear how "perfect" this shit is for some people... Yet no one will ever understand MY standpoint because no one has walked in my shoes... Some can relate, hell a LOT of women can relate because the Baby Loss community is bigger than anyone could imagine... But no one will ever understand my struggle. No one will ever understand what it is like to work so hard to create a family and end up pregnant from that one last "quickie" before your husband boards his plane to Iraq... Not knowing if he is coming home, to find out that you are pregnant exactly 1 month after he leaves, only to have to tell him 2 months later that he will not be coming home to a new baby. To worry that he is going to fall apart to the point that his life is in danger because he is not in a physical place that is safe to deal with these emotions. To worry if he has had enough "trying" for a family with me that he is going to go create one with someone else while he is there. To worry that someone could swoop in at any moment and take him from me because they could give him a living child... Yeah, no one will ever fucking understand...

This TTC journey has brought up so many emotions that I forgot I had because my living son brought so much joy to my life the day he was born! I can't fully explain the emotions running through me right now but my brain will not shut off... As much as I am hoping for a positive test next month, or the month after... I hate to say it but I am very doubtful that it will happen. Not because of lack of sex, not because of any preventative measures, but because of my body... I hate my body, in so many ways, this just solidifies the hate that I have for it...

Having a child will never be something that just "happens" for us... It will never be something we can fully celebrate until the pregnancy is over... It will be one of those things we hope for, and pray for, but can't wait until it is over...