A lot has happened in the last 3 years since we started our journey to having another rainbow. Too much to go into detail about, some of which was a huge blur that I do not remember all of the details, but here is the jist. We had a few false positive tests, one of which I really think was an early MC. Then we had a blighted ovum towards the end of our 2 years of fertility treatments in June of 2015. I think that was the point where my heart had finally had too much. Seeing the positive test, feeling pregnant, waiting to tell anyone, including my husband until I knew that everything was going how it needed to go (at least for the time being). I ended up telling my husband after it was confirmed at the Dr office but it went downhill rapidly after that. I reached out to my rainbow moms group, sharing with them the most intimate details. I remember the day I found out it was a blighted ovum all too well. I am still haunted enough by it to go into detail at this point. Instead I will share the words from the heartbreaking post that I shared with my closest of friends, my rainbow moms, who were crossing everything and praying for me every step of my journey!!
"things have been crazy here and i still have not emotionally dealt with this, but I am in a slightly better place now than I was... i had another blood draw which my numbers hadnt gone up much more... so i was scheduled to go down to get an U/S... The U/S tech was horrible.... she had the nerve to make a comment under her breath about "people like me wasting her time because she could have been looking at a real baby"... i screamed at her, like full blown psycho freakout. I yelled so bad a couple of nurses came in to see what was going on and then took me into another room to wait for my dr... I could hear the U/S tech in the hallway calling me a psycho bitch for freaking out on her and another nurse trying to explain my medical history to her with pregnancies... the last thing i heard was her make a comment that "maybe it is time for some people to give up" i was hysterical when my dr came in and he sat down and immediately appoligized. He then handed me the one photo that was printed and told me that i have a blighted ovum and that even though my body was acting pregnant i am not carrying a baby. I sat in his office and he sat with me as i cried my eyes out for over an hour... he even had one of the other doctors take his last few patients so he could stay with me.... i have filed several complaints about that woman since then... me and my husband have come to terms with everything but that ultrasound experience has been haunting my nightmares... my husband has woken me up several nights because i have been cussing that lady out in my sleep... this has for sure put fertility treatments and TTCing on hold for a very long time... "
And that is what we did, TTCing was off of the table. it has been almost a year since that happened, And now we are finally ready to jump back into this journey. My start will be to lose all of this weight that I put on during the last set of fertility treatments. I am now 5ft3in and weigh over 200lbs, the heaviest I have ever been, and the most unhappy with myself as I have ever been. I am hoping to lose at least 30lbs this year. That is my first goal. Once I have lost that we will try to see if we can try femara again while I continue to work on my weight. (backstory, ended up being a clomid failure and switched to femara which worked, well made me ovulate that is.) At that point we should be in a better place.
I no longer work at walmart, I left that job as I finished school!! I graduated May of 2015 and got my first job that June as a Surgical Tech in L&D. Which has been the most emotionally difficult job I have ever dealt with. And now I am moving on to another hospital which is going to give me the hours I need to be able to be a better wife and mother and hopefully allow me to be able to work on me more!! I start that job in 13 days!!! We also bought our first house this year!!! We have been in our home now for just over a month! It has been amazing to finally have our own home!!! And our first rainbow is 4 1/2 now!! He is talking and doing so much more, it is amazing how much time has passed and how much we have been through in the last couple of years. I will try to write more and even if it is not directly TTC related I will try to share.... Oh that reminds me, March 27th I had my first non medically induced cycle in a year! Currently testing to see if there will be ovulation, which I doubt, but who knows.... I would rather test every day and see that there isn't ovulation than not test and potentially miss it. So far nothing but I am keeping my fingers crossed and trying to keep hope alive!!
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