Round 2/ I can't handle it

I haven't posted in a while mainly because there isn't much to say... My body failed me, again... Now after another 52 day cycle (blood work confirmed I did not ovulate) we are starting again... I cried a lot over this last month, just hoping that I would get a BFP. And it hasn't helped that so many people around me have found out they are pregnant, I just do not understand why me. Why do I have to struggle so bad? Why do I have to go through all of this? Why do I have to go month after month with another disappointment? Why can't I just get pregnant like everyone else? Why ME??? As I sit here and type tonight I have tears running down my face, I want to be happy for those around me who are experiencing the joy of being pregnant, many of which are pregnant with their very own rainbows, but I can't. I can't pretend that it doesn't make me want to break down and cry the minute I hear someone else is pregnant, I cant pretend that I have not been holding myself together just barely by the seams as I watch those around me begin to experience the terrifying joy that I so terribly wish I could feel right now. I dread work every day, I dread school every night, and I have avoided the places I found the most comforting and the people who understand the most because I can't handle it. I can't handle being me right now, I can't handle the pregnancy announcements, or baby talk. I have avoided Facebook and Instagram because I can't handle it. I HATE MY BODY!!! I HATE THESE FEELINGS!!! I HATE THAT I CAN NOT BE PREGNANT WITHOUT SPENDING TONS OF MONEY, LOTS OF TIME, AND CRYING TOO MANY TEARS!!!  Right now I just want to hide from the world because it seems like the minute I want to have another baby I can't and everyone around me can and is... I do not care if my feelings are selfish, damn it I have every right to be selfish. I have every right to cry, every right to envy, every right to be jealous. I have every right not to want to be me right now... NO ONE will ever understand exactly how I feel, because they are not me.... NO ONE will ever know the exact feelings behind my tears because they have not cried them. Some may empathize, others may pity, and some may slightly understand, but truth is ONLY I will know how I feel. My heart does not want to hear about someone being pregnant, even though I may ask how things are going. My heart does not want to see the pregnancy announcements, or the newborn photos. As much as I love all of my friends any and everything baby related is tearing me apart right now...

Now that I got all of that out I think I should try to sleep... I am in for another long day at work holding back tears, followed by another long night at school doing the same....

Please do not pity me, just pray, pray that I have the strength to make it through this day, pray that I have the courage to make it through another month, another round of clomid, another attempt at the impossible. Pray that I can shed less tears tomorrow than I have tonight, and pray that all of these babies that are on their way make it here safe and healthy!

My heart may not want to hear about it, but everyone, every baby, every announcement is on my mind and in my heart every minute of every day...